My ‘Why’

In the past 10 years, I have been involved in various capacities with people who are actively dying (as we are all technically dying from the minute we are born) and their loved ones.  Regardless of what role I happen to be serving in, I have encountered hundreds of people during their end of life and/or individual grief and bereavement journeys.  

Some of those roles are:

• volunteering in a 12 bed Hospice House
• caregiver to my beloved spouse during his battle with advanced pancreatic cancer
• calling patients and their caregivers during Covid to advocate for their needs
• calling individuals 4-8 weeks after they have lost a loved one
• moderating online specific loss groups as a Certified Grief Educator (David Kessler/Tender Hearts) for widows in different points on the journey

Due to my training as a mental health specialist in my professional career, I understand a bit about what happens to people when they are confronted with situations which engender fear and lack of control.  When you add to that our culture’s refusal to talk about and educate on the very natural process of death and how to ease suffering and provide comfort of a spiritual, psychological, emotional and cognitive type, it’s a minefield for dying patients and their families.  I believe that whether you are someone who has received a terminal diagnosis or a loved one who is going through it or has been through a death, the more you know about this process of dying and grief, outcomes are so much better.  

After my spouse, Monte, died five years ago and I felt so alone and confused despite my previous training and experience with death and grieving, I began pursuing credentials that have prepared me to offer support to both those at End of Life and those who love someone whose life is ending or has ended.  

Here is my formal education and training as well as more of my why:

I was raised in Richmond, Virginia and received my undergraduate degree in Speech Communications from the University of Virginia and worked in the field of women’s health for 5 years.  I had relocated with a clinic to Spokane, Washington and pursued a Master’s degree in Social Work.  Following a quick, 18 month stint with the Mental Health Clinic of Spokane, I began my professional career as a School Social Worker during which time I worked to support children and families who were having difficulties dealing with any number of life tasks, some of which included trauma, grief and death.  

During this time, I started the Mead School District’s trauma response team that served 12 different schools in a district of over 10,000 students.  Towards the second half of my career, I got advanced degrees in School Administration and Special Education and served in those capacities as well.  In all of this professional work, I was working with individuals in various states of emotional stress and I began to see how important it is to walk alongside people, educate them, inform them and gain their trust by just being there for whatever comes along.  In essence to provide a vessel, in a non-judgemental capacity if you will, to contain and process emotions and traumas.

I began volunteering with the non-profit  Hospice of Spokane in 2014 where my husband (Monte) and I had raised our family.  At the end of my second year as a volunteer in the twelve bed, stand-alone hospice house in our community, Monte received a diagnosis of advanced pancreatic cancer which he survived for 13 months.  I was his primary caregiver as our three adult children were in other parts of the country.  Monte underwent traditional chemotherapy for 6 months followed by a specialized, aggressive form of treatment across the state which included chemo, radiation and immunotherapy.  He eventually succumbed to a side-effect of his treatment and died in transit to the Hospice House where I had volunteered.  He died just two days after being released from the local hospital with neither he nor I being aware that his death was imminent because he was in ‘late-stage breathing’ despite my attempts to plead with the medical caregivers to give us the facts and get us engaged with hospice.  I do not blame anyone for his death; however, I do feel that the individuals providing care were focused only on medical care and not looking at a whole person who was obviously facing the end of his life.

Monte’s last year of life was full of emotional moments, both tender and traumatic.  The final week of his life and the trauma that landed on my children (and myself) were possibly avoidable and I blame myself as much as others.  Since Monte’s death, I have committed myself to prepare others and their loved ones to have a better journey through to death as we only get one chance to do this with those we love. 

My preparation since Monte’s death has been:

• Obtaining my Licensed Master of Social Work in the State of Indiana which assures that I can provide professional care to patients and families within a strict framework of practice and code of ethics.
• Became certified by the International End of Life Doula Association (INELDA) and have been a member since 2021
• Added training in End of Life Doula care for Dementia and Elder Care (INELDA);2022
• Became a member of the National End-of-Life Doula Alliance (NEDA),2022
• Became a volunteer with Brighton Hospice and currently make weekly 4-8 week bereavement calls to those who have been caregivers to loved ones
• Completed David Kessler’s Grief Educator Training (Spring ‘22) and currently co-moderate a weekly, specific loss group on Zoom with his Tender Hearts Program an international support and education tool for grievers.  ***Certified Grief Educators completed a certificate program designed by world-renowned grief expert, David Kessler. They bring his unique methodology, tools, and decades of experience to help people navigate the challenges of grief.”
• Became a member of the Indiana End of Life Alliance whose mission to ‘build community for those working in end-of-life issues, provide education and awareness and create space for conversations around death and dying’.

Throughout the past five years, since my husband’s death, I have availed myself of as many experiences as possible that allow me to assist those who are dying and those who are grieving.  I have toured a crematorium, attended death cafes in both Indy and Fort Wayne as well as worked with several people on completing their end of life wishes plan as well as related legal documents such as advanced directives and DNRs.